In some ways it feels like I’m not at a fully concluded point in time to be fully revising myself and changing for a new era. But that might actually be a good thing. It’s possible that I haven’t quite reached the crash that could eventually come from the direction I’m going, or that I’ve already been in that crash and just haven’t noticed yet. So it seems that now is as good a time as ever, and when given the opportunity to be inspired by the symbolic moment of change of others why not roll with it? I hope that I’m not being appropriative by taking an event of significance to Mayan people, lifting it and using it to my own purposes, but rather being inspired by their lead into creating my own, personal event of change.
I really am realizing that I’m going down a path that will interfere with my goals. There are a lot of things that I need to learn and that I need to change in the ways I act. And I think I can start to make those changes now. And I will.
I need to listen to this: “Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.” —Samuel Beckett
I need to learn that I don’t necessarily have to “show improvement” on something in order for the act of doing it to allow me to improve. I need to fail. I need to fail horribly and beautifully, in all kinds of strange, queer, and unique ways. I need to learn how to mess up, how to apologize to the people I fail, and how to learn from that. And I need to start trying again. I need to stopping thinking that I can avoid the “fails” and the “try agains” by just perpetually waiting for the moment when I’ll be able to succeed on the first try. I need to learn from my mistakes, and for that I need to make mistakes. And I’m going to try to do this starting now.
I’m also going to commit more fully to when I’m doing work and when I’m taking a break, instead of just spending all of my time in the space in between where neither happen. Life starts passing by without me in that space whether I admit it or not, and I don’t want that.
I’m going to practice piano and singing more often. And I’m going to put more time into my creative/personal writing. I’m not going to put off things that are important to me because I feel like there are other things that I should be doing, because I’ll never make time for them. And anything that will help me get out of this state of minimal productivity, minimal trying, minimal failing, paralyzed by perfectionism isn’t actually getting me anywhere and I need to get out of it.
I’m not going to seriously cut back on the number of things that I commit myself to, but I am going to work to get better at handling them all as well as I know I can. If I’m expecting too much from myself then I’ll make changes as I see fit, but it’s ultimately up to me to see that and to make that decision.
I need to stop caring so much about what others think of me, and even more so I need to stop caring so much about what parts of me think of myself.
I need to give myself a lesson in letting go. In letting go and just jumping in.
So that’s what I’m going to do.
I’m letting go and I’m jumping in.